Rite for the Investiture of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch (With most profound apologies to both Monty Python and the faithful).
Entrance Hymn: “All Things Dull and Ugly”
Litany between Minister and Congregation
The First Lesson from the Book of Anonymous (An.13.13-17)
People: Thanks be unto God.
The Second Lesson from the Book of Armaments (Arm.2.9-21):
People: Thanks be unto God.
And then, leaving off all coarse jesting, let some worthy Priest or Deacon or other Minister read the following prayer of Investiture.
O Lord, Jesus Christ, the True Light from the East, the Dayspring from on high, the Giver of good things, Who through Thy Transfiguration on Mount Tabor didst reveal to Thine Apostles, Peter, John, and James, in the presence of Thy Prophets Moses and Elias, Thy Glory and Power, and who art the Hope of the hopeless, the Help of the helpless, and the Salvation of our souls: Bless this orb and those to whom it is entrusted, to Thy glory and in honor of Thy saints, St. Theodore the Recruit and St. Andrew, The Fool for Christ.
Grant, O Good One, unto those to whom this orb is entrusted, all Thine earthly and Heavenly good things. Gladden them in joy with Thy countenance, and show them the paths to salvation. Be swift to fulfill the requests of their hearts and their every wish, guiding them to the doing of Thy commandments, that in gladness and rejoicing they may forever hymn and glorify Thy most honorable and majestic Name, by the intercessions of the Most blessed Mary, Ever virgin and Mother of our God, of the holy, glorious St. Theodore the Recruit and St. Andrew, The Fool for Christ, and of all Thy Saints. Amen.
Then let the coarse jesting resume.
Closing Hymn: “O Lord, please don’t burn us”
posted by Bernard Brandt at 1:12 PM
11 Comments:
ROFLOL!
Love it, love it, love it!
With your (assumed) permission, I am going to flag all the members of the Tomas Torquemada Gentlemen's Club (a small subset of FreeRepublic members) to this post.
The TTGC, a loose (!!!) organization of recusant orthodox Roman Catholics, could use the prayers prior to their eventual execution of the Plot to Overthrow the Infidel Bishops.
Since there are many of such Bishops, this may take the TTGC quite a while.
However, your writing will give us strength.
Thanks!!
Would this be the Latin Rite of Investiture of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch? I cannot believe this is the Rite found in the Book of Needs--there is not even a single "Lord, have mercy."
I thank the audience for their general approval of the above effort at liturgicide.
Dad29 definitely has my permission to introduce any individuals or organizations which he wishes to this post, and most especially the TTGC. While an Eastern Catholic myself, I might inquire as to how to join that latter illustrious organization, as I am in definite approval of its goals, although in some uncertainty as to the means by which such excellent goals are to be accomplished. If the prayers of the Rite of Investiture may add aid or comfort to their efforts, this writer will be happy.
The Rite of Investiture is to be found neither in the Slavic Trebnik nor in the Greek Euchologion (thank God). Nor is it to be found in the Gregorian Sacramentarium, nor any subsequent Rituale Romanum, for which I suppose God is also to be praised.
With the exception of the Prayer of Investiture, its texts may be found in one of the early audio albums of Monty Python's Flying Circus (the Opening Hymn), Monty Python and the Holy Grail (The Second Reading from the Book of Armaments), and Monty Python and the Meaning of Life (The First Reading, the Litany of Minister and People, and the Closing Hymn). The Prayer of Investiture is based upon a minor blessing, and is entirely my fault. Sorry.
"With the exception of the Prayer of Investiture, its texts may be found in one of the early audio albums of Monty Python's Flying Circus (the Opening Hymn), Monty Python and the Holy Grail (The Second Reading from the Book of Armaments), and Monty Python and the Meaning of Life (The First Reading, the Litany of Minister and People, and the Closing Hymn). The Prayer of Investiture is based upon a minor blessing, and is entirely my fault. Sorry."
I know. I was joking.
Joining the TTGC is quite simple. First, you have to join FreeRepublic (www.freerepublic.com) and then ping "ninenot" who will place you on the list of active members.
There is a ladies' auxiliary should you have interested friends of the distaff sort.
TTGC favors the 'old-fashioned' approach to heretics: a large bundle of wood, etc., etc.
However, we are also familiar with more high-tech methods and have a full-time Engineering department working on rehab/restoration of racks, iron maidens, and so forth, updated to modern standards with stainless steel, wire-rope and plastics where appropriate.
"Auto-da-fe: the Best Way"
Given the Monty Python theme at th emoment, perhaps bombarding their episcopal residences with livestock?
Or maybe prairie dogs. They're smaller.
LOL - Did you compose these hymns??
I believe the original hymns were wrapped around coconuts and dropped upon the monastery of St. Swizins the Redikulous by swallows.
Those would be African Swallows, of course.
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